Hum Aapke Hain D.
Hum Aapke Hain D.
This would be the name of the movie which would be made in Bollywood on Dawood – Miandad wedding. The movie would require not one but two expert directors. One of them would be of course Ram Gopal Verma, who is expert in handling the gangster related films and the other would be Suraj Badjatya (You forgot who he was, right?) who is expert in making films involving marriages.
Who will finance this film? This is the most naïve question that can come to anybody’s mind. ‘Dulhan ke pita’ of course. Or may be Bharat Shah. Music will be by Nadeem – Shravan (Nadeem operating from London. He is a good friend of D, since the Gulshan Kumar murder) and lyrics would be written by Sameer.
Now as far as casting is concerned, RGV will prefer Saif Ali Khan as hero (the groom, obviously), thanks to his father being a cricketer. This was always a simple choice. But the real question is who would RGV and SB prefer to give role of Dawood, Miandad and Dawood’s daughter (Mahrukh, name rhyming to king Khan). Though cricketers like Sandeep Patil, Sunil Gavaskar, and others have tried their luck in films, it would be too risky to choose them for this big budget film (If marriage costed about Rs. 300 Cr., film should at least cost Rs. 50 Cr.). Sandeep Patil has a good personality, but nowadays he is happy coaching to small teams like Kenya, Bangladesh and Scotland and taking them through to World Cup Semifinals. So, at least I will rule him out. Navjyot Singh Sidhu would make a similar character to Miandad (they share some similarities like both were extremely short tempered and both have seen the stairs of court in a murder case), but he will have to trim his beard and hair for that. “A Sardar is not a Sardar if he does not sport a beard and turban” (and who else will sport Sardar-like turban and beard, Mr. Sidhu?) was what he said at a program in news channel, so even he would be ruled out.
Anyway, there is no need to cast a real cricketer for Miandad since he wont be shown playing with his bat. So now comes the list of prominent Bollywood Actors who can play Miandad and Dawood. First name that comes to mind is Amitabh Bachchan (since we see him in every fifth film and every third advertisement). Other big daddies of Bollywood like Dharmendra, Jeetendra, Rajesh Khanna would make Miandad too filmy (RGV hates the word filmy). So, lets offer the role of Miandad to Bachchan Sr. Looking at his dancing prowess, he will be able to execute the Monkey Dance (Miandad acted in reaction to Kiran More, remember?) perfectly fine. Now the real question. Who will act as D? Randeep Hooda and Vivek Overoi are too young. But how about Sunjay Dutt? At least we can say that there is a common thing between them. Both are Mumbai Bomb blasts accused. Anyway, Sanju baba will have to appear only in Video Conference, so no big deal.
Now the real test. Who will act as bride in the film. It would be easier for producers and directors of the film if they could get hold of Monica Bedi or Mandakini. Looking at the situation right now, I think only Aishwarya Rai can act “naturally” in this role. How? Simple. She knows the Ins and Outs of the underworld (thanks to Banian Khan) and she is a silent spectator to all that happens around her. And she doesn’t have any active participation in the underworld activities. Perfect match for our character isn’t it?
As far as casting of wives of D and Miandad are concerned, let us not debate much and straight away go ahead with Reema Lagoo and Himani Shivpuri. Let SB choose some of the starcast, and not get overshadowed by RGV.
Now a news report says that some Indian cops were also present as spies at the wedding. Wow! The perfect masala required for the movie! A high profile wedding spied by cops! But that makes our job difficult. We have to guess who would play the top Indian cop. Nana ?(He has played cop in 2 RGV films, Bhoot and Ab tak chhappan). No, because Nana would be wasted in a role where he has no dialogues to deliver. Ajay? Maybe. RGV likes him. Salman in a role of a cop named Prem? (under the influence of SB). I don’t think so. He would not even dare to act in any underworld related film after the phone tapping incident. John Abraham would be unrealistic hunk for the job. SRK? Naah… even though he sport a beard along with a clumsy moustache (they say he sported moustache in Paheli to appear manly), he wont fit in a role of a cop who is silent but sharp. Did somebody say Abhishek? Abhishek it is! He has acted in RGV films like Naach, Sarkar and SB film like Main Prem ki deewani hoon. That is what is called unison. Jr. B and Sr. B would be cast alongside each other in yet another film. So, let’s cast Abhishek in that role and let us have few supportive cops like Sushant Singh, Neeraj Vohra (for some comedy) and a hawaldar in Sayaji Shinde. Alok Nath / Shivaji Satam (Depends upon who wins the toss between SB and RGV) may perform the role of Mumbai Police Commissioner who gives orders to Abhishek to probe this wedding (and disappear after that).
Fortunately, no film stars and cricketers were present at the wedding. This makes our and director’s job simple.
Our starcast is done with. Now the story. Story is simple. A big fat ‘Underworld meets Cricket’ wedding at Dubai where there are cops wandering in disguise to hunt bride’s father. What did you say? End of the story? This story has no end. Did D-Company have an end? Or Darna Mana Hai? Even Hum Aapke Hain Kaun had all the twists in the story in last 10 minutes. So we can safely infer that both the directors are not too much concerned about whether there is any logical end to the movie or not. And regarding songs, there is ample scope for that. It’s a wedding! And so what Muslim Weddings don’t have all the Riwaaz / Naach Gaana stuff? There is something called as directors liberty (which is often called as pressure from producer to create hoopla). They can have a song sequence while saying “Kabool” three times. A stanza between each “Kabool”. Three “Kabools” and three stanzas. Three cheers.
Our Big Fat Underworld Wedding is over. The cops return India empty handed, with some clues here and there. RGV decides to make a prequel of this film (Pure love story between Junaid and Mahrukh). D is still at large. Movie makes millions in first two weeks and then it goes off the theatres. The movie makes “more than average” business. Producers, directors, distributors are happy. D is now a household name. Even 4 year boy knows everything about D. But cannot understand why we cannot arrest him.
This would be the name of the movie which would be made in Bollywood on Dawood – Miandad wedding. The movie would require not one but two expert directors. One of them would be of course Ram Gopal Verma, who is expert in handling the gangster related films and the other would be Suraj Badjatya (You forgot who he was, right?) who is expert in making films involving marriages.
Who will finance this film? This is the most naïve question that can come to anybody’s mind. ‘Dulhan ke pita’ of course. Or may be Bharat Shah. Music will be by Nadeem – Shravan (Nadeem operating from London. He is a good friend of D, since the Gulshan Kumar murder) and lyrics would be written by Sameer.
Now as far as casting is concerned, RGV will prefer Saif Ali Khan as hero (the groom, obviously), thanks to his father being a cricketer. This was always a simple choice. But the real question is who would RGV and SB prefer to give role of Dawood, Miandad and Dawood’s daughter (Mahrukh, name rhyming to king Khan). Though cricketers like Sandeep Patil, Sunil Gavaskar, and others have tried their luck in films, it would be too risky to choose them for this big budget film (If marriage costed about Rs. 300 Cr., film should at least cost Rs. 50 Cr.). Sandeep Patil has a good personality, but nowadays he is happy coaching to small teams like Kenya, Bangladesh and Scotland and taking them through to World Cup Semifinals. So, at least I will rule him out. Navjyot Singh Sidhu would make a similar character to Miandad (they share some similarities like both were extremely short tempered and both have seen the stairs of court in a murder case), but he will have to trim his beard and hair for that. “A Sardar is not a Sardar if he does not sport a beard and turban” (and who else will sport Sardar-like turban and beard, Mr. Sidhu?) was what he said at a program in news channel, so even he would be ruled out.
Anyway, there is no need to cast a real cricketer for Miandad since he wont be shown playing with his bat. So now comes the list of prominent Bollywood Actors who can play Miandad and Dawood. First name that comes to mind is Amitabh Bachchan (since we see him in every fifth film and every third advertisement). Other big daddies of Bollywood like Dharmendra, Jeetendra, Rajesh Khanna would make Miandad too filmy (RGV hates the word filmy). So, lets offer the role of Miandad to Bachchan Sr. Looking at his dancing prowess, he will be able to execute the Monkey Dance (Miandad acted in reaction to Kiran More, remember?) perfectly fine. Now the real question. Who will act as D? Randeep Hooda and Vivek Overoi are too young. But how about Sunjay Dutt? At least we can say that there is a common thing between them. Both are Mumbai Bomb blasts accused. Anyway, Sanju baba will have to appear only in Video Conference, so no big deal.
Now the real test. Who will act as bride in the film. It would be easier for producers and directors of the film if they could get hold of Monica Bedi or Mandakini. Looking at the situation right now, I think only Aishwarya Rai can act “naturally” in this role. How? Simple. She knows the Ins and Outs of the underworld (thanks to Banian Khan) and she is a silent spectator to all that happens around her. And she doesn’t have any active participation in the underworld activities. Perfect match for our character isn’t it?
As far as casting of wives of D and Miandad are concerned, let us not debate much and straight away go ahead with Reema Lagoo and Himani Shivpuri. Let SB choose some of the starcast, and not get overshadowed by RGV.
Now a news report says that some Indian cops were also present as spies at the wedding. Wow! The perfect masala required for the movie! A high profile wedding spied by cops! But that makes our job difficult. We have to guess who would play the top Indian cop. Nana ?(He has played cop in 2 RGV films, Bhoot and Ab tak chhappan). No, because Nana would be wasted in a role where he has no dialogues to deliver. Ajay? Maybe. RGV likes him. Salman in a role of a cop named Prem? (under the influence of SB). I don’t think so. He would not even dare to act in any underworld related film after the phone tapping incident. John Abraham would be unrealistic hunk for the job. SRK? Naah… even though he sport a beard along with a clumsy moustache (they say he sported moustache in Paheli to appear manly), he wont fit in a role of a cop who is silent but sharp. Did somebody say Abhishek? Abhishek it is! He has acted in RGV films like Naach, Sarkar and SB film like Main Prem ki deewani hoon. That is what is called unison. Jr. B and Sr. B would be cast alongside each other in yet another film. So, let’s cast Abhishek in that role and let us have few supportive cops like Sushant Singh, Neeraj Vohra (for some comedy) and a hawaldar in Sayaji Shinde. Alok Nath / Shivaji Satam (Depends upon who wins the toss between SB and RGV) may perform the role of Mumbai Police Commissioner who gives orders to Abhishek to probe this wedding (and disappear after that).
Fortunately, no film stars and cricketers were present at the wedding. This makes our and director’s job simple.
Our starcast is done with. Now the story. Story is simple. A big fat ‘Underworld meets Cricket’ wedding at Dubai where there are cops wandering in disguise to hunt bride’s father. What did you say? End of the story? This story has no end. Did D-Company have an end? Or Darna Mana Hai? Even Hum Aapke Hain Kaun had all the twists in the story in last 10 minutes. So we can safely infer that both the directors are not too much concerned about whether there is any logical end to the movie or not. And regarding songs, there is ample scope for that. It’s a wedding! And so what Muslim Weddings don’t have all the Riwaaz / Naach Gaana stuff? There is something called as directors liberty (which is often called as pressure from producer to create hoopla). They can have a song sequence while saying “Kabool” three times. A stanza between each “Kabool”. Three “Kabools” and three stanzas. Three cheers.
Our Big Fat Underworld Wedding is over. The cops return India empty handed, with some clues here and there. RGV decides to make a prequel of this film (Pure love story between Junaid and Mahrukh). D is still at large. Movie makes millions in first two weeks and then it goes off the theatres. The movie makes “more than average” business. Producers, directors, distributors are happy. D is now a household name. Even 4 year boy knows everything about D. But cannot understand why we cannot arrest him.
posted by Tushar Kulkarni | 11:26 PM
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