gASTROLOGY – Readers don’t digest – Part I

I read another of those useless forwards the other day. If your name starts with “A”, it tells how are your behaviour, interests, etc. In short, if you know your name, you get to know your personality. Hey, but that’s not all, if you know somebody else’s name (you do know them, right), you also get to know his / her personality too (Oh yeah….). Imagine how useful this could turn out for a bachelor like me. No need to try to dig deep into any girl’s heart. Know her name and get to know her personality. Something similar to ATM, methinks.

Just then, somebody posted this mail on the Bulletin Board (a kind of Public forum). My project mate happened to be at my desk when somebody posted this mail. His wife had just delivered a baby boy and was exploring some good names for his son. After reading this mail, he told me that the description given for his “starting letter” resembled his personality much. Then I asked him to read the entire mail. I suggested that he can keep his baby boy’s name starting with a letter which he likes. He thought to give it a try. When he read all those, he was too confused about the letter from which the name of his baby boy should start from. Then I asked him about one such quality which he would desire in his son. He told me that he wanted his son to be “talented”. “X” was the letter which fitted exactly. But he couldn’t find a good name for his son starting from letter “X”. His next priority was that he wanted his son to be a sports person. “Q” came too close to it. But again, he couldn’t find a (Hindu) name starting with “Q”. Anyway, he had no say in his son’s name. Thanks to his wife.

Then there are other kinds of forwards. Future predictions based on the zodiac signs. Being born in a typical Hindu-Marathi-Brahmin family, I was always confused whether to read the predictions based on my sun sign or the moon sign. I am special case though. My zodiac sign based on sun as well as moon turns out to be same. Pisces. Though the signs based on sun and moon were same, the predictions never turned out to be same. These zodiac sings tell you something about “you”. Like

· You are very kind and do not hurt anyone. – Oh really? Get me the guy who wrote this.
· You seldom obey rules and are not disciplined – Why not tell this to the traffic warden? Blame it on stars.
· You are fascinated by occult – That must be true. I am reading your dumb prediction. That is surely an occult.
· Just like fishes, you have a good taste – WHAT??????
· You are gentle and sensitive – Very much. I often get cut by my shaving blade.
· You cover your mistakes very well – I apply band-aid to that cut. Nobody notices it.
· Just like a fish, you are peace loving – What about sharks? Sharks were very destructive in Deep Blue Sea, Sharks, etc. Maybe those were animations. Animated sharks may be destructive. Real life may not be.
· You have the best shoulder to cry on – I make sure that my armpits don’t smell like “fish”.
· You are a dreamy person – Nice euphemism for being lazy, I say.


Then there are some kinds of special statements.
1. If you work to your potential, you will succeed. – If only I knew my potential, would I read these predictions?
2. Drive carefully. – I have never seen the complementary statement – “Drive carelessly – nothing will happen to you in this week”. If the opposite doesn’t exist, why give that statement in first place?
3. In this week, Love others and be loved in return – I have made numerous attempt to make this prediction a success. But I think, at the same time, others have prediction “Get those jerks off you.”
4. Listen to your inner voice – “Hello …. Hello … I can’t hear you… Hello Mr. Inner Voice…”. There exists nothing like inner voice, I say.
5. Donate something in charity – I have noticed that this prediction come only in the first week of any month and not the last. Even stars know that you do have much left in your kitty as the month ends.
6. Students will excel in this week – This prediction was dormant for first 21 years of my life. Suddenly, in almost every column I read, I see this. Anyway, I am not dejected. At least I could blame my failure on stars. Even this prediction in every newspaper would not have saved me from flunking in Applied Mechanics paper.
7. Be nice to your colleagues – I agree. They are worth being nice only for one week in entire six months.
8. You would hear some good news this week – Your ex-crush is going to get married soon.
9. Don’t trust strangers – You will be betrayed by your near and dear ones this week. Let us keep strangers for some other week.
10. You will meet old friends this week – They still won’t pay you the 1000 bucks they owe to you. They will give you their wedding card asking whether you have any girlfriend. When you reply in negative, they will ask “Why”. You have no answer. You curse the astrologer.
11. Don’t let Lust overtake “True Love” – Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh this is torture ….. this is pain …. I feel like I goin …. Goin insane. The closest to “Lust” I have ever been in my life was when that cute girl slapped me on my face for asking her if I can give her lift. To the second floor.
12. Don’t drink and drive – First of all, what is this? A signboard on highway? Or is it because you won’t enjoy any of the two.
13. Possibility of conflict with spouse – (For those who are married) Wear helmet while in house. Sabji tastes excellent. Pick her phone calls even while getting bashed from boss. Pay the medical bills of your mother-in-law without asking the doctor if there is any real need for such an expensive treatment.

If at all I come up with part II, it would have “Lucky Days / Dates”, “Lucky Gems”, “Ideal Partner”, “Lucky Numbers”, “Famous Personalities”, etc.