Aap to aise na the …..

Some Blues win. Some Blues lose. One Blue is color of sunshine. The other one would give blues to a nation for a long time. Finally, the team which wore the blue dress in final won. Les Blues were made to look like the less(er) blues. Roberto Bagio and Franco Baresi would finally end their Vanvas. Rome ka rome rome khila hoga. Aur Milan ka world cup se milan hoga. (Too bad :) )

The way Zizou spear-headed France to defeat would embarrass even a raging Spanish bull. Zizou not just did it to Materazzi. He did it to us junta too. Usne dil pe thokar mari. Zizou, aap to aise na the. The share brokers in Mumbai should take a clue from the incident. A bull-run may not fetch the expected results everytime. Meanwhile, rumors float about Frenchman Florent Malouda been offered a role in a sequel to Krrish. The expenditure on special effects would be restricted, if Malouda can perform yesterday’s diving act repeatedly. Andrea Pirlo sent the French dreams to win the world cup to Pirlok after a magnificent corner to set up the first goal for Italy.

Spare a thought for Materazzi. He conceded the only self goal Italy conceded in WC. He conceded the first penalty to France. Scored the goal for Italy to level them up. And then hit a special penalty to give Italy the lead. Grosso was the hero for Italy. His (in)famous dive against Australia, his superb goal against Germany in the dying moments and his last penalty kick. All played a part in Italy journey to becoming World Champions.

Italians are champs. Another reason for me to choose pizza over paneer. Congress-men here in India would finally get something to congratulate their madam. A football hangover for a couple of days and then cricket would come back into business.

Chaotic License

This is an incident when I was in second year of my engineering. I had just completed 18 years of my existence. 18 is a magic figure here in India, as far as age is concerned (though not entirely. 16 is the magic figure in Bollywood. Most Bollywood movies have heroines aged 32 playing a role of a 16 year old girl. We come to know she is sixteen only through songs like Main solah baras ki ho gayee … otherwise she never mentions her age publicly throughout the movie). Anyway, 18 is a magic number for citizens because they acquire 2 important rights. Right to vote – which most of us do not exercise most of the time. And right to drive a vehicle – which most of us start exercising much before we are allowed. I heard lately that they are going to reduce the minimum age of getting married from 21 to 18. But now that I am 24, it doesn’t matter to me. And it wouldn’t have mattered even if the age would have been reduced to 18 when I was 18. The inability to patao a girl is hereditary (or kept secret) in my family.

Just after I celebrated my 18th birthday, my mother and my father forced me to learn to drive a car. Though I drove bike with great ease, I had a fear in my mind that I would bang to a tree while driving the car. My father tried to teach me many times. But I had a driving phobia. Finally I told my father that I am afraid of driving car because I fear that I will bang the car to some tree and our car would be heavily damaged. He tried to persuade me, but in vain. Finally, he took me to his childhood friend. He was a child psychiatrist! Satish uncle promised to help me out. He advised my father to enroll my name to some driving school, since I fear that I would damage our expensive car.

The day arrived. Satish uncle accompanied me to the driving school. The driving instructor was Vinayak, a part time driving teacher and a full time chauffeur. Satish uncle explained him about my phobia. And told Vinayak that he will accompany me while I learn. He seemed somewhat confused about all this drama.

Vinayak : Who is going to learn?
Me : me.
Vinayak : (To Satish) Then what are you going to do?
Satish : (Smiles) I am going to help him mentally overcome his phobia of driving.

Satish uncle is a child psychiatrist by profession. But he seldom gets out of his role in personal life. He talks in the same manner with his wife and friends as he talks to his child patients. Something like Marathi spoken in Bengali accent. But while speaking in English, he is like a priest of a church. Everyone who is at least a year younger than him is his “son” or “child”.
In contrast, Vinayak appeared a short tempered guy, who is always frustrated with some thing or the other.

Vinayak : Then what am I supposed to do?
Satish : Son, You are going to teach him to drive.
Vinayak : Then how are you going to help him?
Satish : (Smiles again, this time mischievously) I am going to sit on the rear seat and help him overcome his fear.
Vinayak : then why don’t you teach him to drive?
Satish : Because, my dear son, I cannot drive.
Vinayak : If you cannot drive, how can you help him in driving ?

Though not much literate, Vinayak had his logic accurate.

Satish : I am not going to teach him how to drive, but I am going to boost his morale. Understood? Or should I explain again?
Vinayak : Why do you want to be there when I teach him to drive? You can boost his morale now. And then we will go on the drive.
Satish : No, the process of encouragement is a continuous process. So I am going to be with Tushar all the time.
Vinayak : What? No no … that is not done. I won’t allow you to sit in the car while I teach him.
Me : Listen, I have told this to your boss, and we have paid a little extra money too. So, don’t argue. Let’s get ahead.

I was enjoying all this. I wished I could ask Satish uncle not to accompany me. But he had been such a good friend of my father for years. And otherwise too, how can anyone convince a psychiatrist?
We sat in the car. Myself and Vinayak at the front seat, while Satish uncle in the rear.

Vinayak : put your left foot on clutch. And right foot on brake or accelerator.
Satish : No Tushar. Always put one foot on the brakes. Put your left foot always on brake. Use your right foot to use clutch and accelerator.
Me : But uncle, brake pedal is between clutch and accelerator.
Satish : Is it the same in all cars?
Vinayak : Yes.
Satish : All car companies are dumb. They can’t get their combination right.

I did as Vinayak told me.

Vinayak : Ok. First, press the clutch, then put the vehicle in the first gear. Then simultaneously press the accelerator and leave the clutch.
Satish : Tushar, lets not get too fast, first you leave the clutch slowly and then press the accelerator slowly.
Vinayak : What? Once you leave the clutch, the vehicle will jump stop. (To me) Press the accelerator and leave the clutch at the same time.
Satish : (whispers into Vinayak’s ears) Vinayak, understand his mental condition. He is afraid of driving. Go slow. (To me) Tushar beta, first press the accelerator slowly and then leave the clutch slowly.
Vinayak : No! You shut up Uncle. Tushar (wow, he remembered my name!) do what I say. I am the teacher.

I somehow managed to get the vehicle ahead.

Vinayak : Ok. Now put in the second gear.
Satish : Vinayak, let him drive in the first gear today. Let him gain confidence.
Vinayak : The car does not go beyond the speed of 10 in first gear. Tushar, press the clutch and put the vehicle in second gear.
Satish : Son, let Tushar drive in first gear today. He will drive in only second gear tomorrow and only third the day after.
Vinayak : sir, you please stop talking. It’s me who knows how to drive, not you.

I went ahead to drive into second gear. I started feeling comfortable.

Vinayak : Turn left at the next square. Turn the steering wheel so that the vehicle turns left.
Satish : Vinayak, tell him properly. Should he rotate the steering wheel such that his left hand comes down and right hand goes up, or vice-versa.? Also, tell his while rotating, whether he should apply force to right hand or left hand or both.

Vinayak was already irritated. I grasped the situation and said to uncle that I know how to turn the car to left.

Satish : Tushar, but turn the vehicle slowly. Don’t quickly rotate the steering. Rotate a bit. Take a judgment of where you are heading. Again turn a bit. That is how you turn the vehicle.
Vinayak : (looking back) This is not how everybody turns the vehicle.
Satish : But that is the ideal way to do it, my son.

BANG !!! The car banged on to a tree!

I had steered the car towards left. But, as Satish uncle had said, slowly. And that’s why it banged to a tree. We all got out of car. No one was injured. But the car looked almost dead. I had severely damaged driving school’s car. Not mine, fortunately.
Within a minute, crowd gathered. There were two policemen too. I noticed that I had banged my car just beside a police station! The police heard out all that had happened. He admitted that there was no need to file a case if the person in guilt of this accident agrees to pay the damages.

The real problem was, who was at fault. Obviously, one would say, I was at fault. But I was just following the orders of my psychiatrist. Only a psychiatrist knows what is good for me. He knows how do I think and what should I think. The psychiatrist had my mind at his service and he could not use it correctly.
Now, Vinayak could also be at fault, because he is the driving instructor. Everybody knew that I could not drive. That’s why I had joined the driving school. So, the whole responsibility lies with the instructor. It is instructor’s duty to take care that a novice does not bang into a person or a tree.
Satish uncle could also be at fault. He gave me wrong instruction to turn slowly. Had he not been there in first place, I would have turned the car swiftly. I was just supposed to follow his instructions. Also, he engaged Vinayak in conversation. Had he not done that, Vinayak would have steered the car out of danger area.

The police were confused. In the meantime, my father appeared at the scene. He was not interested in listening what happened. He looked at Vinayak and understood that he was a poor guy and could not afford to pay the damages to the owner of driving school. Satish uncle was a good friend of his and felt too awkward to ask for money from Satish uncle. My father quickly agreed to settle the expenses.

Cost of learning how to drive a car : Rs. 20,000.
Time wasted : 2 hours.
Value of the incident to be remembered for a lifetime : Priceless.

There are some things in life money cant buy.
One of them is learning to drive a car.


Tushar

gASTROLOGY – Readers don’t digest – Part I

I read another of those useless forwards the other day. If your name starts with “A”, it tells how are your behaviour, interests, etc. In short, if you know your name, you get to know your personality. Hey, but that’s not all, if you know somebody else’s name (you do know them, right), you also get to know his / her personality too (Oh yeah….). Imagine how useful this could turn out for a bachelor like me. No need to try to dig deep into any girl’s heart. Know her name and get to know her personality. Something similar to ATM, methinks.

Just then, somebody posted this mail on the Bulletin Board (a kind of Public forum). My project mate happened to be at my desk when somebody posted this mail. His wife had just delivered a baby boy and was exploring some good names for his son. After reading this mail, he told me that the description given for his “starting letter” resembled his personality much. Then I asked him to read the entire mail. I suggested that he can keep his baby boy’s name starting with a letter which he likes. He thought to give it a try. When he read all those, he was too confused about the letter from which the name of his baby boy should start from. Then I asked him about one such quality which he would desire in his son. He told me that he wanted his son to be “talented”. “X” was the letter which fitted exactly. But he couldn’t find a good name for his son starting from letter “X”. His next priority was that he wanted his son to be a sports person. “Q” came too close to it. But again, he couldn’t find a (Hindu) name starting with “Q”. Anyway, he had no say in his son’s name. Thanks to his wife.

Then there are other kinds of forwards. Future predictions based on the zodiac signs. Being born in a typical Hindu-Marathi-Brahmin family, I was always confused whether to read the predictions based on my sun sign or the moon sign. I am special case though. My zodiac sign based on sun as well as moon turns out to be same. Pisces. Though the signs based on sun and moon were same, the predictions never turned out to be same. These zodiac sings tell you something about “you”. Like

· You are very kind and do not hurt anyone. – Oh really? Get me the guy who wrote this.
· You seldom obey rules and are not disciplined – Why not tell this to the traffic warden? Blame it on stars.
· You are fascinated by occult – That must be true. I am reading your dumb prediction. That is surely an occult.
· Just like fishes, you have a good taste – WHAT??????
· You are gentle and sensitive – Very much. I often get cut by my shaving blade.
· You cover your mistakes very well – I apply band-aid to that cut. Nobody notices it.
· Just like a fish, you are peace loving – What about sharks? Sharks were very destructive in Deep Blue Sea, Sharks, etc. Maybe those were animations. Animated sharks may be destructive. Real life may not be.
· You have the best shoulder to cry on – I make sure that my armpits don’t smell like “fish”.
· You are a dreamy person – Nice euphemism for being lazy, I say.


Then there are some kinds of special statements.
1. If you work to your potential, you will succeed. – If only I knew my potential, would I read these predictions?
2. Drive carefully. – I have never seen the complementary statement – “Drive carelessly – nothing will happen to you in this week”. If the opposite doesn’t exist, why give that statement in first place?
3. In this week, Love others and be loved in return – I have made numerous attempt to make this prediction a success. But I think, at the same time, others have prediction “Get those jerks off you.”
4. Listen to your inner voice – “Hello …. Hello … I can’t hear you… Hello Mr. Inner Voice…”. There exists nothing like inner voice, I say.
5. Donate something in charity – I have noticed that this prediction come only in the first week of any month and not the last. Even stars know that you do have much left in your kitty as the month ends.
6. Students will excel in this week – This prediction was dormant for first 21 years of my life. Suddenly, in almost every column I read, I see this. Anyway, I am not dejected. At least I could blame my failure on stars. Even this prediction in every newspaper would not have saved me from flunking in Applied Mechanics paper.
7. Be nice to your colleagues – I agree. They are worth being nice only for one week in entire six months.
8. You would hear some good news this week – Your ex-crush is going to get married soon.
9. Don’t trust strangers – You will be betrayed by your near and dear ones this week. Let us keep strangers for some other week.
10. You will meet old friends this week – They still won’t pay you the 1000 bucks they owe to you. They will give you their wedding card asking whether you have any girlfriend. When you reply in negative, they will ask “Why”. You have no answer. You curse the astrologer.
11. Don’t let Lust overtake “True Love” – Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh this is torture ….. this is pain …. I feel like I goin …. Goin insane. The closest to “Lust” I have ever been in my life was when that cute girl slapped me on my face for asking her if I can give her lift. To the second floor.
12. Don’t drink and drive – First of all, what is this? A signboard on highway? Or is it because you won’t enjoy any of the two.
13. Possibility of conflict with spouse – (For those who are married) Wear helmet while in house. Sabji tastes excellent. Pick her phone calls even while getting bashed from boss. Pay the medical bills of your mother-in-law without asking the doctor if there is any real need for such an expensive treatment.

If at all I come up with part II, it would have “Lucky Days / Dates”, “Lucky Gems”, “Ideal Partner”, “Lucky Numbers”, “Famous Personalities”, etc.

Holy Cow

"Holy Cow". Indian Army is a holy cow. We cannot question anything about Indian army. The latest controversy being the headcount of muslims in Indian Army. A committee has raised question over the headcount of Muslims in Indian Army.

The Indian Army does not see this very positively. They want themselves to be independent of religion and caste politics. Moreover, they want to keep the civilians out of any business of Army.

The people who favour disclosing the percentage of Muslims in Army, argue that Article 16 of constitution assures guarantee of Minority Upliftment in "Public Employment". The army argues that it is not a public sector enter enterprise, therefore this clause cannot be enforced upon them.

Looking at heads and tails of this "Holy Cow"(Holy cow is something nobody should touch, and let it do anything it wants) issue, I present my ideas below.

First of all, why there is any need for the government to enter into troubled waters? Minority vote bank? May be. When there is no reservation in Army on the basis of caste (Reservation in education system and public employment is based on caste), why at all the government wants to have reservations on basis of religion (Religion is NOT a criterion for reservation. Backward muslims and other religions enjoy reservation) at all? Therefore, for me, there is a lot of suspect about the central government's attitude about this issue. It is known fact that there are less than 5% muslims in Indian army. Instead of probing on how they can increase the awareness about army among muslims in India, government is running away from its responsibilities. If the government announces any kind of reservation, it is upto the institution/organisation to obey that law. If found violating, is procecuted. By doing this, the government (and in turn politicians) achieve 2 objectives.
1. They dont have to make people aware and enlightened. So achieving the objective of social upliftment is not their responsibility. They dont have to work at grass root levels. They can "run away from their responsibilities".
2. The implementation of this law is upto the organisation. Government does not have to think about the practical issues related. If the organisation found the law violating, they punish them.
3. They create an impression among the backward class (or minority in this case) that they are working on their social upliftment. This translates into vote bank.

The army does not want Indian government to interfere in its own affairs. They dont want to be accountable socially to the Indian government. They do not want themselves to be associated with social upliftment, etc. Moreover, they dont want Indian government to dictate the recruitment terms of the army.

Both have shades of gray. But the army seems at least consistent in its approach. They ask the army personnel to abstain from using religious symbols. The secular status of Indian Army has been maintained since independence, which proves their credibility. The regiments which the army has, also have a very organic structure. The Jat regiment may not have only Jats, but can have people from any state. This has led to a harmony between all regiments.

The politicians on the other hand have been incosistent in their approach. They have never thought above "Vote Bank Politics". Everybody knows that the reservation scheme is not really working. Reservation not necessarily leads to social upliftment. More than 50 years of reservation have not yielded anything significant. Still, the self centered politicians do not think of any other method of social upliftment. The reservation method is theoretically effective, while in practice it is highly ineffective.
1. The backward people give votes on the basis of reservation to politicians.
2. The reservation system is ineffective, which means that these people never really get out of backwardness.
3. The same people give them vote on the same agenda in the next election.
4. Animosity creeps between the upper caste and lower castes / majority relgion and minority religions.
This has been going along for 50 years.

Therefore, the Army seems more in white and less in black, while government seems more in black and less in white. Let us at least spare the Indian Army from these politicians.

Let the Indian Army remain "Holy Cow".

Mischievous Pen

All characters in this article are ficticious(read it to believe it!) and bear no resemblance to any person or organization living or dead (or on the verge of death). The opinions expressed are a copyright of author and producing this without prior notice would result in a lawsuit of Rs. 125 Crores.

CNNN News Reader : There is a clash going on in the Indian Blogsphere since last few days. Our Indian correspondent Satinder Chandra has report.

Satinder Chandra (SC henceforth) : Thanks Monica. I am outside the Delhi campus of TBIIPM. TBIIPM stands for Think Beyond Indian Institute of Planning and Management. Here is a guy who is dying to get an admission into TBIIPM.

SC : What's your name and how long have you been trying to get an admission into TBIIPM ?
Guy : My name is OraclePrgrammer. I am an IIT passout of the year 1999. Since 1999, I am trying to secure admission into TBIIPM. But the entrance for TBIIPM seems too tough. I have also given CAT 5 times after which I have thought of thinking beyond IIMs. During the process, I had managed to secure admission into IIM-A twice and IIM-B 5 times. But I did not want to pass out of an IIM just like any other Gaurav or Rashmi. I always wanted to have a salary of 36 lacs. You know, passing out of TBIIPM and getting into good organization has a rarity value in itself.
SC : What ambition do you have after passing out of TBIIPM?
Guy: I want a salary of Rs. 36 as soon as pass out of TBIIPM. So, I have only one organization which would recognize my degree. Advertising and Marketing head of TBIIPM itself!

SC : Here is another guy with me who claims that he has passed out from TBIIPM. Let us ask him when did he passed out from TBIIPM and how much does he earn now.
CAndy : Hi, my name is CAndy. I secured admission into the institute when I posted derogatory comments on the person defaming TBIIPM on blogpoint.com. They called me up and offered admission to the institute. And they gave me a 50% waiver in the fees! And believe it or not, they offered me 100% job guarantee after passing out from TBIIPM. As a professor in TBIIPM.
SC : So you are a professor in TBIIPM now, right?
CAndy : No. When I was in the institute, they taught me what nobody teaches at IIM. Being a commission agent. After passing out of TBIIPM, I started a commission agency to promote advertisements of TBIIPM in leading newspapers. I am a link between Indian press media and TBIIPM. I now earn much more than I had ever dreamt of. Thanks TBIIPM.

SC : Now lets meet Mr. TBIIPMStudent9. You are a TBIIPM graduate, aren't you? And I heard that you gave up a fat salary European job.
TBIIPMStudent9: Graduate, oh yeah, I am. I sacrificed a lucrative European job to pursue my hobby in India, photography. I had a job in Paisalona Business School and jIMI business school simultaneously. The former was based in Spain, while later was from Belgium. My job profile was to carry Indian degrees to Europe, putting a stamp on them, and get them back as certificates in Indian business schools like TBIIPM. But as they had taught me to look beyond the best, I established myself in the field of photography. And I am earning big bucks too! My current job profile is to take photographs of various campuses of TBIIPMs and Management gurus associated with TBIIPM. I take a royalty of 1paisa per copy of newspaper in which the photographs appear. Believe it or not, I am a millionaire. Thanks TBIIPM.
I was also given freedom to shoot a Bollywood movie, Dekh sako to dekh lo. This movie was entirely funded by Management guru from TBIIPM. Though that movie did not fare well, Management guru is ready to fund another Bollywood movie. This time the focus would be on heroine. We are signing leading actress from India, who has gained reputation worldwide, Mallika Khirapat. She would also act as brand ambassador for TBIIPM henceforth. They say intelligent people get together well.

SC : The Indian bloggers accuse Indian print media of not giving enough attention to the lawsuit filed by TBIIPM on an Indian blogger because TBIIPM is the major source of revenue for Indian print media. I have with me Mr. Zadgaokar, chief editor of "Whines of India". Sir, can you tell me your stand on these allegations.
Z : We have so many issues going on currently. These kind of news do not carry much importance. Look at the movie world. Karishma and her husband unite again. Greg and Ganguly spat is still on. Then there are social issues like the release of movie Garam Masala. And diwali (a festival of lights celebrated all over India) is on the cards too. We do not feel that 125 Cr is a big enough amount to give attention. In the past we have ignored Rs. 3000Cr Chara scam and Rs. 10,000 Cr bofors scam. 125 Cr is nothing.

SC : And finally, we have a representative of blogsphere, blogging community in India, Mr IndiaUncut. How do you feel about all this issue, being a representative of free media and an advocate of free speech.
IU : I think that fundamental rights of "Freedom of Speech" are being crushed below the feet of rich in India. The constitution has given …..
SC : Sorry to interrupt you.
IU : Right to express opinions ….
SC : Sorry, we are running short of time.
IU : Knowledge society ....
SC: Thank you very much for talking to us Mr IndiaUncut. That's all we have from India tonight. Satinder Chandra, CNNN, India.

Tushar

Hum Aapke Hain D.

Hum Aapke Hain D.

This would be the name of the movie which would be made in Bollywood on Dawood – Miandad wedding. The movie would require not one but two expert directors. One of them would be of course Ram Gopal Verma, who is expert in handling the gangster related films and the other would be Suraj Badjatya (You forgot who he was, right?) who is expert in making films involving marriages.

Who will finance this film? This is the most naïve question that can come to anybody’s mind. ‘Dulhan ke pita’ of course. Or may be Bharat Shah. Music will be by Nadeem – Shravan (Nadeem operating from London. He is a good friend of D, since the Gulshan Kumar murder) and lyrics would be written by Sameer.

Now as far as casting is concerned, RGV will prefer Saif Ali Khan as hero (the groom, obviously), thanks to his father being a cricketer. This was always a simple choice. But the real question is who would RGV and SB prefer to give role of Dawood, Miandad and Dawood’s daughter (Mahrukh, name rhyming to king Khan). Though cricketers like Sandeep Patil, Sunil Gavaskar, and others have tried their luck in films, it would be too risky to choose them for this big budget film (If marriage costed about Rs. 300 Cr., film should at least cost Rs. 50 Cr.). Sandeep Patil has a good personality, but nowadays he is happy coaching to small teams like Kenya, Bangladesh and Scotland and taking them through to World Cup Semifinals. So, at least I will rule him out. Navjyot Singh Sidhu would make a similar character to Miandad (they share some similarities like both were extremely short tempered and both have seen the stairs of court in a murder case), but he will have to trim his beard and hair for that. “A Sardar is not a Sardar if he does not sport a beard and turban” (and who else will sport Sardar-like turban and beard, Mr. Sidhu?) was what he said at a program in news channel, so even he would be ruled out.

Anyway, there is no need to cast a real cricketer for Miandad since he wont be shown playing with his bat. So now comes the list of prominent Bollywood Actors who can play Miandad and Dawood. First name that comes to mind is Amitabh Bachchan (since we see him in every fifth film and every third advertisement). Other big daddies of Bollywood like Dharmendra, Jeetendra, Rajesh Khanna would make Miandad too filmy (RGV hates the word filmy). So, lets offer the role of Miandad to Bachchan Sr. Looking at his dancing prowess, he will be able to execute the Monkey Dance (Miandad acted in reaction to Kiran More, remember?) perfectly fine. Now the real question. Who will act as D? Randeep Hooda and Vivek Overoi are too young. But how about Sunjay Dutt? At least we can say that there is a common thing between them. Both are Mumbai Bomb blasts accused. Anyway, Sanju baba will have to appear only in Video Conference, so no big deal.

Now the real test. Who will act as bride in the film. It would be easier for producers and directors of the film if they could get hold of Monica Bedi or Mandakini. Looking at the situation right now, I think only Aishwarya Rai can act “naturally” in this role. How? Simple. She knows the Ins and Outs of the underworld (thanks to Banian Khan) and she is a silent spectator to all that happens around her. And she doesn’t have any active participation in the underworld activities. Perfect match for our character isn’t it?

As far as casting of wives of D and Miandad are concerned, let us not debate much and straight away go ahead with Reema Lagoo and Himani Shivpuri. Let SB choose some of the starcast, and not get overshadowed by RGV.

Now a news report says that some Indian cops were also present as spies at the wedding. Wow! The perfect masala required for the movie! A high profile wedding spied by cops! But that makes our job difficult. We have to guess who would play the top Indian cop. Nana ?(He has played cop in 2 RGV films, Bhoot and Ab tak chhappan). No, because Nana would be wasted in a role where he has no dialogues to deliver. Ajay? Maybe. RGV likes him. Salman in a role of a cop named Prem? (under the influence of SB). I don’t think so. He would not even dare to act in any underworld related film after the phone tapping incident. John Abraham would be unrealistic hunk for the job. SRK? Naah… even though he sport a beard along with a clumsy moustache (they say he sported moustache in Paheli to appear manly), he wont fit in a role of a cop who is silent but sharp. Did somebody say Abhishek? Abhishek it is! He has acted in RGV films like Naach, Sarkar and SB film like Main Prem ki deewani hoon. That is what is called unison. Jr. B and Sr. B would be cast alongside each other in yet another film. So, let’s cast Abhishek in that role and let us have few supportive cops like Sushant Singh, Neeraj Vohra (for some comedy) and a hawaldar in Sayaji Shinde. Alok Nath / Shivaji Satam (Depends upon who wins the toss between SB and RGV) may perform the role of Mumbai Police Commissioner who gives orders to Abhishek to probe this wedding (and disappear after that).

Fortunately, no film stars and cricketers were present at the wedding. This makes our and director’s job simple.

Our starcast is done with. Now the story. Story is simple. A big fat ‘Underworld meets Cricket’ wedding at Dubai where there are cops wandering in disguise to hunt bride’s father. What did you say? End of the story? This story has no end. Did D-Company have an end? Or Darna Mana Hai? Even Hum Aapke Hain Kaun had all the twists in the story in last 10 minutes. So we can safely infer that both the directors are not too much concerned about whether there is any logical end to the movie or not. And regarding songs, there is ample scope for that. It’s a wedding! And so what Muslim Weddings don’t have all the Riwaaz / Naach Gaana stuff? There is something called as directors liberty (which is often called as pressure from producer to create hoopla). They can have a song sequence while saying “Kabool” three times. A stanza between each “Kabool”. Three “Kabools” and three stanzas. Three cheers.

Our Big Fat Underworld Wedding is over. The cops return India empty handed, with some clues here and there. RGV decides to make a prequel of this film (Pure love story between Junaid and Mahrukh). D is still at large. Movie makes millions in first two weeks and then it goes off the theatres. The movie makes “more than average” business. Producers, directors, distributors are happy. D is now a household name. Even 4 year boy knows everything about D. But cannot understand why we cannot arrest him.

Uncle

Uncle.


I visit my maushi’s (mother’s sister) place often. There is a lot of empty space in front her house. Small children play there during the evening. Whenever I visit her bunglow, I stand in the balcony watching those young Tendulkars and Brett Lees playing with so much passion. When my mother is busy talking with my maushi about the love affair of my some cousin with a Gujarati girl or how to preserve Methi ki sabji for three days (if I would have liked it, wouldn’t I finish it in a day?), I prefer to stand in the balcony and recollect my childhood days.

The other day I was standing in the balcony and about 10 children were playing cricket. All between ages 7-10. There was some controversy about a runout between them, and I volunteered from the balcony to give the decision. Something happened again. And they again asked me whether it is out or not. I again volunteered and gave the decision. And then one cute boy asked me (by signs) to come to the field and be the field umpire. I was too happy and went ahead. I stood at the non-striker’s end and one smart boy came to me and said,
“Uncle, Uncle you see that fencing over there? It’s the boundary line”
This statement may seem to be very simple, but the first two words struck me like cannonball. I got so irritated that surpassed my previous highest irritation while watching the movie Veer-Zaara. Uncle? Do I look like uncle? I have hardly crossed 23. A ten year old boy is calling me an uncle? I could have accepted any malediction in replacement for that word. But I had no other option. I had to listen to that child. And after that cannonball, I experienced many bullets.
“Uncle, hows that? Out … out .. uncle out … uncle .. uncle please out … uncle… “
I gave him out. I could not tolerate the word uncle any more. I looked towards the bunglow hoping that my mother would come and bail me out from these little devils. But firing continued.
“Uncle, its not six, it’s a four … I saw the ball… uncle its four”.
“Uncle noooo …It’s a six… uncle six ”.
“Uncle, right arm round”. I was thinking of making his right arm round.

If these small Rajwardhan Rathods were not sufficient to fire at me, a cute little Anjali Bhagwat came to me and shot an arrow at me “Kaka kaka, kiti wajle?” (Uncle, what’s the time?). I told her patiently, “Kaka nahi kahi, mala Tushar dada mhan. Tarach kiti wajle te saangin” (Don’t call me uncle, call me elder brother. Only then I will tell you the time).
“Jaoode” (Forget it) and away she went!

I left the battle field totally wounded. Then I got to know, why US could not win wars in Vietnam and Afghanistan”.

I never imagined that this small thing would occupy my mind so much. I went home and realized that I was breathing as fast as a dog after climbing just 30 steps. While surfing through TV channels, I realized that I stopped at News channel more often than MTV or Channel V. The next morning I realized that I have started reading the newspaper from front page (politics, current affairs), rather than last page (sports news). While watching the cricket match, I don’t get that much excited when Pathan takes a wicket compared to what I used to get when Srinath or Kapil used to take wickets. I don’t jump out of the sofa nowadays when India wins the match. I no longer call my friends to sit and watch a football WC match together at my house. Though I meet friends at our katta (place where friends meet), we discuss more about our and someone else’s salaries than tell each other some good joke recently heard. I am gaining weight because I am not getting enough time to play during the day. I prefer treadmill exercise more than actual running. I don’t get very furious at anybody, because I know that it disturbs mental balance. I prefer driving to trekking.

All these thoughts filled my mind. I became very conscious. Why the heck have I changed so much? And that too, in just two years of passing out from college? My parents like my new behavior. They say that I have matured now. I have become sober. I don’t express extreme opinions what I used to present during my college debate contests. Though I am not uncle per se, I have all the qualities of an uncle. I did not play with the children, was just within them. I got the reason why I could not enjoy the game as much as they did.

How much has this change benefited me? Very much, everybody else will definitely say. But I would wish to disagree. I want to shout at the sight of six by Tendulkar and Sehwag. I want to believe that if I sit on this lucky chair, Narain Karthikeyan will earn some points. I want to quarrel with my mother over half cooked vegetables. I don’t want to hum a song in bathroom, I want to sing it loudly. I want to tell a joke rather than send any humorous sms. I want to sing “The Animal Song” of Savage Garden loud and clear. I want to be ME, not dwarfed version of ME.

New Hairstyle

New Hairstyle.


I was very happy that day. For the first time in my entire life I decided to change my hair style. The reason was pretty obvious. I was balding in the front. But not much. (Keeping in mind the audience for this article may contain girls) I had read a humorous article on “My first white hair” when I was 10 years old. I also wanted to write something of that kind. Unfortunately I could not write on the same subject because I already had a lot of gray hair.

This peculiar hair style was carried over since I had hair for the first time. Needless to say that my earlier hair style was entirely my mother’s concept. She was a fan of Dev Anand. My mother has a younger brother, who is 6-7 years younger to her. My grandmother used to work at a distant place during their childhood. Therefore I share the same hair style as my maternal uncle (everybody fondly calls him Chanda Mama). It seems that he had lesser guts than me. He has not changed the hair style for his entire life! So, changing my hair style was going to have same consequences as failing in the exam. It was a mini revolt against my mother’s regime. I gathered the courage of Bhagat Singh (only revolutionary that came to my mind at that moment, courtesy Rajkumar Santoshi. Needless to say history books are now a history for me) and headed towards the saloon.

On the small walk towards the saloon, I was thinking of the consequence (aftermath, actually) of my new hair style. I did not tell anyone that I was going to change the hairstyle. In a conservative family like ours, boys are not supposed to change their hairstyle until they become completely bald. This is very similar to the fact that boys are not supposed to commit suicide until they die of natural death. Girls are allowed when they are about to get married. Here, I am talking of changing the hairstyle, not suicide. I knew mother was going to be furious at me. My younger sister was going to say “It has not made an inch of difference to your personality. You are not going to become John Abraham by doing such silly things”. My father was definitely going to say a blank “Ok”, without even having trouble of getting his head out of newspapers and having a look at me. The real question was what was going to be the reaction of my friends. I knew they were going to notice a change in my personality and would definitely give their opinion. I had a gut feeling that most of them were going to like it. And with these thoughts I entered the saloon.

The saloon is always crowded on Sunday morning. But I have always enjoyed the long wait at saloon. Reason is simple. I have lot of free time to pass and all the film magazines were at my disposal. I have observed that all saloons have film magazines to read and all doctors have India Today. I never dared to ask them why so. In fact asking them such a thing would be of great risk. Because everybody surrenders his head to a barber and surrenders his fate to the doctor. The consequence of asking such a silly question can prove dangerous. Both doctors and barbers charge for taking something “out” of you. So, I read about the Amisha – Kareena clash, Swades – Veer Zaara clash, Mahesh Bhatt – morality clash, the Myth about Mallika and Jackie Chan, another rumour of Aishwarya appearing (I hate the word acting to associate with her) in Hollywood movie, and all other news which are of no use to me. As Calvin says “Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.” Having these pious thoughts in my mind, I sat on the hot seat.

My hair line was shifted from the left of my forehead to centre. After changing the hair style, I again started thinking of the impact this would have on my friends. I was so excited about my new hair style that I began to think of witty replies which I would give when someone asks “hey Tushar, change in hair style?” I was into my own world by now and did not even bother to pay my hair stylist. And even he did not ask for it! I walked a few steps when I remembered that I did not pay him. I turned back. He was looking at me. Still he did not ask for money. The look on his face made me skeptical initially, then worried and finally sad. When I gave him the money, the look on his face was shouting “Why are you giving me money? I don’t deserve any money for such a clumsy work”.

I reached home, expecting some sarcastic comments from my sister and mom. Nothing. No reaction from my mom. She did not say anything about it! Even my sister gave a very disinterested look at me and carried on with drying her hair. Suddenly there was a feeling of emptiness in my mind. What the hell has happened to them? Or nothing has happened? My friend came to me that morning. He noticed a change in me (thankfully). But he did not utter any word. Now I had to get this thing out of his mouth. So I asked him “Where do you go to set your hair yaar? This guy charges me Rs. 50 “. Finally he asked me the question which I was waiting eagerly to be asked. “Change in hair style?” I had already thought of an answer to this question, so I replied without wasting any time “Yaar, mom is ill, therefore I myself had to comb the hair today. hahahaa”. This was supposed to be a joke, but unfortunately he was angry with me for being late and was in no mood to listen to any joke. We then went to our katta (a place where many of my friends meet on Sundays). I expected that someone will trigger this question and we will have a full fledged discussion about my new hairstyle. Nobody did. All due to an Arsenal win over ManU.

On Monday too, nobody in my project or my other friends asked me about the new hairstyle. This was a big anti-climax for me, especially when all of us spend the day in chatting. This was burning my head now. Less hair on my head did not help to cool off the anger. This went on for a week. I met hundreds of my colleagues during that week. Not a single person asked me about my new hairstyle.

Finally I decided that something must be done in order to make others aware of my new hairstyle. I tried in many ways. But no success. Finally I sat on my PC, and started typing. I started with the title “New Hairstyle”.

My First Affair with Bangalore...

My first affair with Bangalore …..





Its been more than three months that I am in Bangalore. The reason why I am telling you this is that I want to stress that whatever I have scribbled henceforth is not based on first impression, but huge experience. (I heard 3 months experience in software industries is considered as mammoth). The actual point being that I want to emphasize that I don’t jump to conclusions so early, like Tony Greg and so unlike Jeffrey Boycott. Talking of Jeffery Boycott, my sister says that he suffered throat cancer because he used to criticize every cricketer, which in turn strengthens her belief in God !



Anyways, talking of Bangalore, things anybody would recall most are idlis, dosas, bisibeLabhat, puLiogre, hoLLige (non- kannadigas should not dare to pronounce these) posh shopping malls, bunglows galore everywhere, traffic jams, Kannada language and software companies. (The above list was in the order of things that matter to me most to things that matter to me least)



The first impression of Bangalore was that it is a great city. Though I have come from a city not too different from Bangalore, Pune, I found many things dissimilar. Bangalore is bigger than Pune in every proportion, and the natives are also larger in size. (This size is average physical size, there are only 35-40% Kannadigas in Bangalore) But alas! My first impressions have seldom been correct, may it be city, a girl, a movie, a book, a hook, a crook, a cook or a look. The charm I found in this city was soon lost, similar to the gleam in eyes of a girl when she got to know me and my habits better.



Food has always been my primary necessity for living, besides air and water and so I will start of with food. If it were not food, I would have died. I always had an impression that idli and dosa (i think of them as younger sister and elder brother) constitute for an ideal breakfast. I said “and” and not “or”. I liked bisibeLabhat ( rice and sambar cooked together) a lot, though could not figure out why it tasted so differently at different places. After I leave Bangalore, I would give a million bucks to eat good bisibeLabhat. (the definition of good is up to me though) Water here has some characteristic to pull out hair from your scalp. I previously attributed the baldness of software engineers to the work pressure. But the best thing about Bangalore is air, that is climate. It is fair enough to say that climate here is always suitable to play cricket.



The up-market shopping malls (and those who visit those malls) can easily attract anybody to spend weekend evenings over there. This is the only thing which you can spend in those shopping malls, because if you intend to spend money over there, you got to be brave, rich, foolish or ill-fated. Ill-fated for many reasons, just one of them being having a girlfriend or wife who takes you to these malls for shopping (the real one). Though I am not ill-fated, one other option suits me well. My close ones can guess it easily. I purchased a go-bonkers jeans from that mall and literally went bonkers. It was the first time in my life that I saw a 5-digit price tag on a shirt. I told my friend that I can buy “3-digit” shirts in this amount, in my usual voice, which was heard by everybody in the shop. The shopkeeper didn’t let us to stay there for a minute more.



Being from Pune, I had a typical flat system mentality and only fantasized about living in a bunglow. But when I came here, picture was entirely different. I stay with my friends in a bunglow. Most people own bunglow because flats are costly ! They think of shifting into an apartment once they gather enough money ! I remember the typical sentence I used to hear in Pune “Tumhi kai baba, bangalewale lok ! “ (You are rich, you stay in bunglows , in a damn sarcastic way). I wish to learn Kannada and hear the counterpart of it.



You will find traffic jams everywhere in Bangalore. May it be highway, one-way or subway. There is a flyover in BTM, on which they have written the estimated date and month of completion, but not year. Pretty smart. It can take you anywhere between 25 minutes to 2 hours to reach from BTM to electronic city (distance is close to 9 km.).One more thing, you will find lot of street dogs in Bangalore, but pity, still the Hutch network is bad.



I am a movie buff, so everytime I pass through a movie theatre, I compulsorily look at the hoarding. And voila !!! I got to see here some of the best posters I had ever seen. Being an ardent movie fan, I feel it improper to call those clumsy, weird, cheap. The primary responsibility of poster is that it should tell you at first glance what is at store for you in the movie. From the posters I have seen here, I infer the following (These may be criterions to be followed to get the movie cleared from censor board). 75% area of the poster should be occupied by the face of hero. Hero must be a rebellion therefore must have a fierce look on his face ( I will kill you , you b****** - look), must have a weapon in his hand. This weapon may not be traditional like sword, gun, etc. The popularity of the movie is directly proportional to the innovation of the director in the use of weapon. Axe, bamboo stick ( in all sizes and shapes, just like movie heroines) ,chain (the one I use when I travel by train to lock my luggage) are all things of the past. If these are the weapons of past, then one might ask what are the ones which are currently “in” ? The answer is simple. These weapons do not have any names, in English, Hindi, Marathi or even Kannada. One weapon was a bamboo stick with 4 knives attached at both ends. The side view of this weapon would be similar to capital “I” in English language. The hero must be in some extraordinary pose like stretching arms, kicking, etc. Now combine the above two statements. Hero with a weapon and a pose. See it to believe it ! Hero must possess a moustache. I don’t know exactly, but that might be useful in differentiating hero from heroine. Hero must have a mother. Having father is optional. And now my favourite topic in movies, Heroines. Usually heroines here have a very small place on poster, many times only the face and that too blushing. I don’t know whether it is the public demand or it is because it is difficult to fit the whole picture of heroine. The heroine must have at least one song in traditional dress.



When in Pune, I used to think that the auto rickshaw wallas in Pune are worst of the lot, they are rude and leave no chance of deceiving the passengers. Opinions change. That’s why they are for. I now think that rickshaw-wallas in Pune are those God-send angels on earth to serve the aam-janta in Pune. Once a rickshaw-walla here asked my friend to give him Rs. 13 when the meter showed 12.50. Being asked why, he said “it would have been 13 if you would have gone some distance more”. One and half rate starts at 9.00 PM and ends at 10 PM. After that double meter starts ! This is not official, but this is what these people demand !



I liked Kannada language, its good to listen, but a tongue twister for any North-Indian. Especially I like the way they stretch the last letter of last word of sentence while pronunciation. This liking landed me in trouble. Instead of “Ondu watermelon juice kOdi”, I said “Ondu watermelon juice kUdi”. Some goof up in “kOdi and kUdi” changed the meaning from “Give me one watermelon juice” to “Drink one watermelon juice”. The shopowner at the cash counter made his eyes so big (I remembered Mougli from Jungle Book) in amaze (or was it amusement ) that I wished there were a backspace button somewhere. When I got to know the meaning the next day, I was embarrassed, but then I thought it was better than the shopowner doing according to what I said.



Now you would be thinking that Tushar does not like Bangalore at all and is totally fed up. But, I feel liking cities is similar to liking girls. If there is a girl you are attracted to at first sight you rate her perfect. If you get close to her, your opinions change from very good to good to cool, and finally to OK. Similarly, there is a girl you hate initially, and you get close to her, your opinions change from bad to not so bad to so-so, and finally to OK. Nobody is not-so-great or not-so-worse. Same is the case with cities. No cities are terrible to live or heaven. There are pros and cons in every city, like every one of us. Its upto us how we see it, or what we want to see.